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2001-07-09 - 9:43 a.m.
Mindy and I had our first holiday together...and our first weekend without Chloe there. It's very odd, being in that situation, of having someone or something be a conduit for a relationship, then seeing the foundation of that relationship being put to the test by removing the very thing that brought you together.
Since January I've tried to keep her out of my mind, and tell myself that I wasn't attracted to her, or that she reminded me (physically) of Skye far too much for me to ever have real feelings for her.
I've tried, and suceeded for along time, to just tell myself that she was out of my league, or that I was happy with my situation alone, or that I could possibly be happy with someone else and bury whatever attraction I have for her.
Luckily, I am not that strong willed, and I've allowed myself to get close to someone wonderful. She's smart, she's clever, and she's funny.
Most of all, she's funny.
Most of all she's beautiful.
Being a single father and dating is a lifestyle I never imagined having to cope with. I never married with the intent of divorcing...never ever thought I'd be faced with the problem of having my family turn against me for divorcing my wife.
I never dreamed in a million years that by marrying to make everyone (but me) happy, I was setting myself up to make everyone resent me for trying to undo that mistake.
But that's what happens, and here we are, 9 years after that....and I have a taste of what it is I really need in life...something so great that I constantly (and much to her chagrin)question. Do I deserve this? Is this real?
Could I possibly be with someone who loves me, loves my daughter, takes the entire package for what it is, and says, baby you are it...you're what I need when I wake up, and when I go to sleep.
I think it's possible. I think it's what I have...I just have to see where things go, and do my best to be a good person, and to listen. TO really try to be understanding this time, and to acknowledge that being with me isn't so easy.
I'd bet that more than a few girls/women/devilspawn would agree with that statement.
Anyways, so we did fourth of July at her parents' house, where her father whipped my ass at Mario Kart 64, and yes, I am totally ashamed of myself.
Tyler, a friend of mine, can whip my ass at MK64, save for a few boards where I can compete on level ground....and I consider tyler the best karter ever, until I met her Dad.
He is the greatest mario kart racer I've ever seen.
I hate that.
SO he whipped my ass, and then proceeded to almost burn down their boat pier with his illegal fireworks extravaganza, shooting balls of fire into the sky.
The wind was strong that night, and of course Mindy, her mother, their two foster kids and some friends of theirs were being smoked out by the burning fireworks....not seeing the dazzling display of floor cones and shooting stars, rocket blasters and roman candles....shooting straight up, taking 90 degree turns towards the fireworks crew, barely missing my head. I had to leap several times off the deck to put out burdgeoning fires with my brandnew adidas flats...
It was nice though...I haven't done the "meet the parents" bit since I was 19 years old. I think I did a good job of letting them know what I felt for their daughter and that I was fairly stable, intelligent and witty.
I didn't comment on Mindy's mother's watermelon whale contraption, which was not a whale but a frighteningly carved melon with wires sticking out of it and bug eyes....I didn't do anything but get my ass whipped at videogames and help out with the festivities... and let them know I'm head over heels for their baby girl.
I know what it's like..to worry about someone loving your daughter, worrying about how they percieve her, and whether they will accept her the way she is, and for what she means to you. I know about it, and when I let my guard down I'm always scared. For her---for me.
This time I realize that there's more than one daddy who wants the best for his baby.
I miss mine alot.