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2003-04-29 - 12:39 a.m.


There's a field of dandilions and wildflowers on the way to Chloe's Ovuda (kindergarten).

Today we walked and picked about 50 of them, our pantlegs covered with grass stains and hands filled with golden wildflowers about 2 minutes from her school.

She didn't seem to mind though.

She came over to me and said "Oh guess what!"

"What?"

"I got a secret so I can't tell you what the secret is-Sara-said-I-can't-tell-you-about-it-but-its-about-a-play and-songs-and-okay."

(she figured out she was spilling the beans and clammed up)

I went in with her, to her classroom, we gave the flowers to Sara, (her teacher) who then pulled me outside while Chloe put the flowers in water.

Sara wanted to tell me that they were all working very hard on the Mothers day play, and all learning their songs and solos. Then she asked me about Chloe's mom, and if Chloe knew she wasn't coming.

I laughed (sort of) and said that Chloe probably wasn't worried too much about it. Sara looked at me kind of funny and said that Chloe told her that her Daddy would come and be Mommy, since Mommy doesn't want to.

I just said Yep. I'm not really into making excuses for her biological mother anymore.

---That's what she is, and that's all she is, I guess. Huh. That's a relief realizing that, almost.

I have to admit that this being the last Mothers Day I will be playing the role of "Mom" will be bittersweet.

Part of me will miss being the SuperDad who does everything and anything for his baby daughter, even playing Mom.

The other part will be glad that someone else sees how amazing it is to love and be loved by Chloe.

-------

It's springtime.

Everything is brighter, everything tastes better, fresher, and every song I hear reminds me of the things I have to be thankful for, and the luck I have had in finding some really great people to care about me (and Chloe).

It's springtime, and even if I question my situation, my luck, my relationship, life and even myself, it's not because I'm unhappy. It's probably because I can't believe I am this lucky.

It took me along time to get to this spot. It took me along time to accept Karma, and my responsiblity regarding my happiness. Karma, and accepting responsibility for your own well-being...are natural laws, I believe,because the law does not apply only to individuals who believe in it.

The law of cause and effect, like the law of gravity, applies to everyone and has the same effect on everyone regardless of their beliefs. Often, the law of cause and effect is translated to “We reap what we sow".

If we plant a mango seed, we will reap mangoes, similarly, if we plant a apple seed, we will reap apples. The reverse will not happen, we will not reap mangoes from planting an apple seed. So, if we want happiness and do not wish to have more problems, our conduct should reflect a desire to be better people.

I want to be a better person, be a good husband when the time comes, (and it's coming so soon) and build on being a better father, instead of trying to be all things to Chloe, mother father friend...I can't do those things well, and be all of them.

Besides, in the end, she's only going to remember me being there for her, not why I had to be, and she will love her Daddy for it.

I am happy, and it's coming from within (finally).

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this wall has no mortar
Vitals:
35 Years old. 1971.
Taurus. Year of the Pig. Oink
Greying. Dyes, on occasion.
Blue/Green/Grey Eyes.
5'11. Okay, 5'10
215 pounds of boy
dad. married father.
love, big fan of/in
day: sr proj manager
night: pro wrestler (grr)

Links:
Tyler Likes Games
Steven Cloud: Luminary
Sleeping Jeff's Portfolio
Chloe's Unfinished Site
Penny-Arcade

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