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2001-07-13 - 10:45 a.m.

Thinking about the current state of things reminds me of my first date. Yes, boys and girls, I have gone out on dates, even if I've never asked someone out, I've always had an agressive girl, or a friend looking out for socially inept me.

Alvina, cute little mexican girl, Jon and Donna, one of those couples that just stays together till after graduation, which is nice, so you don't have to think about them being apart....thus holding together your visions of Perfect High School Love...the four of us went on a double date to see Top Gun.

That was a great first date movie. It had planes and stuff blowing up and volleyball scene and I think you can see her nipples in mid-day sex scene, but I'm not totally sure, it's just Kelly McGillis anyways, and her breasts are weird looking.

We went to Stockton, what a shithole, ate a casual dinner at some pizza/italian place, girls on one side boys on the other, making small talk as Donna kept kicking me in the shins everytime something stupid came out of my mouth. (which was everytime something came out of my mouth)

I reached over and held her hand in the middle of the movie, in the dark, and I asked myself if this was what it was all about, she smiled at me, and squeezed it....leaning into me.

We sat there, washed in the white of the sky blue images, blanched almost...illuminated and pale, smiling...holding hands, and then we kissed.

I felt nothing.

That was probably the first time I ever went through the motions. The first moment in which I felt that an appropriate response was required, a particular action or phrase, a kiss, an interlocking of the was what was supposed to happen, so it happened exactly that way.

and it happened over and over...until the ultimate going-through-the-motions occured with my marriage to jeonga....

I just thought that everyone would be happy, including me, and I just went through the motions, waiting, hoping that I'd fall in love.

I didn't.

I did, and do love her, but not the way I should.

And now...I need the passion. I need the overwhelming aching you get when you're apart from the one you love.

I need to wake up in the middle of the night wondering what we'll be like when we're 80.

When we're in the theater...sitting together, arms wrapped up, and she leans into me, it feels electric, her touch.

Her touch.

I don't have to go through the motions this time....I don't have to wish or wonder. It's just there, and I am so grateful.

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