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2001-08-26 - 2:24 p.m.

And so it goes....

Yesterday I was supposed to wrestle, for IPW, on the night of our first television taping for UPN. It was supposed to be a big night for me. I dropped Chloe off at Mindy's and had a few hours to kill, thinking we'd spend them together, just hanging out before I had to go, since I hadn't seen her in almost a week.

As soon as I was inside, I felt the warmth just drain from her body. Just ice.

I know she needed time, but I also thought she needed me...that in the end she would find out what was important and embrace it. I was prepared to wait, prepared to go the distance, because I felt she was worth it, I felt WE were worth it.

When Mindy and Chloe were in the kitchen, Chloe said to her...

"Mindy makes daddy sad"

Mindy spun her head around and glared at me, as if we have been working on that phrase for weeks...or whatever. The reality of it is, Chloe is aware. She's smart, and she knew I was dying. She knows how much I care for Mindy, and when I'm sad, she knows it. When I cry, she knows why. Mindy obviously felt this was some sort of guilt ploy or if I wasn't being ripped apart just hearing Chloe say such a thing.

I finally pulled her into her room to talk to her, away from Chad, her roommate and best friend, and told her that I wasn't going to see her anymore. At all. I also told her that I didn't feel it was in Chloe's best interest to interact with her anymore.

She told me she'd deal with that, if that was my choice, and she said it in such a cold unfeeling manner, that I don't imagine that it will be to hard to deal with it.

Chloe deserves stability, and I've been responsible for all of this. I can't help but feel that it's time I shut myself off from this side of who I am, because it never ends well for me. My heart is a one way street, if you get in, I never let you out, I wish I could but I can't. I WISH that I could look at the few girls/women I've actually loved and feel nothing, but I don't.

With Mindy, I thought that what we were building was good, and strong, and rewarding. I know that we aren't the same person, and we will always have different needs and wants. I was willing to compromise a bit of myself for that, for the chance of having something I could be proud of, and someone I could love wholly.

She says she's not ready for what I am. She's not ready for any kind of relationship, and she's enjoying being alone. I'm okay with that. It's not like I have a choice, but ultimately, I want her to be happy and content, and if it's not meant to be with me, I hope that she finds what she's looking for. She's amazing, and I saw it, like nobody else has in along time, and I would have done anything to make her smile and laugh.

Part of me wishes that first night she'd let me leave when I felt that tugging....that certainty that if I fell into her, and made love to her, I'd fall in love.

The other part is grateful for the chance to have been near her and to love her even if it was for just a few months. Right now, I feel like I have a ten pound ball of lead in my chest. I want to be enough for someone. I want someone to ache for me, in the way I ached for her, and the way I ached for Skye. The way I still do.

This time I really tried to be a good person, to be a perfect guy and to always care for her well-being, her happiness, and to put us before anything else. I guess that was smothering....and that I loved her more than she loved me.

This time I tried to always let her know how I felt, because in the past I hadn't and I lost opportunities because of it. She once said to me

"Quit trying to be everything to me, because i'm sick of hearing about it."

She's just not ready. I think I was though...

Before we left, I told her, "I wish you knew what was important." I guess each person has to find that out for themselves, though, and she's still just a kid, thinking that her pink lemonade tastes better out of a "french glass" and that a poster print is a "show piece", and that sex in the city is some sort of guidebook to life. I tried to show her something different, and that she could fall into me, into us and that it would be enough. It just wasn't, though.

Now, I don't know what I want to do..which direction to step. I just feel numb. I have to put Chloe first, and turn my emotions off, and just take for awhile, because giving myself and giving my heart away is tearing me apart.

Chloe and I are going to hang out now. She's what's important in the end anyways.

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