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2001-08-30 - 6:01 p.m.

Today Chloe had her first haircut. Vidget gave her the cutest little cut.

She has bangs.

She is the cutest thing in the world.

I love her..more everyday.

Vidget also got back with her husband. She says it's for her kids...and that she couldn't ask that someone take on the burden of a 27 year old woman with year old twins, and a 3 year old boy. She says she's going to find a new way to love him.

She says the old ways are ruined. She can't love him the same way, so if she is to salvage her marriage it will be through different ways of expressing and sharing.

Chloe's mom has seen her a total of 11 days in eight months.

Her mother called last night when I was wrestling, and I imagine that I won't be hearing from her in a few months....again. I just want her to know that she can call anytime, and be a part of Chloes life, everyday, if she wants..which I hope she does.

I have given her every opportunity to visit, to share with Chloe's development and to be in a strong co-parenting relationship, but you don't know how alone I feel.

I am doing it all myself..and while that's something I'm proud of, it's also something that saddens me deeply.

I want to sit in the park with someone special, hold their hand, and be proud of her WITH someone, talk to them about how she looks, what she's feeling and how she's a person and a little lady.

I want to ask that person if Chloe's temperature has gone down, and have them smile and nod as they emerge from her bedroom, and run to me wrap their arms around me and say that she's fine...and get rid of that worry and angst...on the couch, in their them.

I want to be sick in bed. And when I'm sick I want to pretend to be sleeping as that person rubs my head, and strokes my hair, pulls it off my forehead...and brings me hot tea, and my favorite snacks...someone who lets me pout and be sick.

I want to grow with someone and share with someone.

I don't want to run out of ways to love them..and when I find new ways to love them, and to express it..I want them to be by choice, not out of necessity. I want those new ways to be my way of giving more of who I am, to them.

I want this.

I want it so badly.

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