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2001-09-18 - 1:21 a.m.
3am calls usually come from ex's or jeonga's family wanting to talk to their niece, perpetually oblivious to the time difference, which stays the same, it doesn't all of a sudden become 2 hours , or 1 hour, or anything, nope ,it's always fourteen fucking hours, which means i'm sleeping at 3am, sorry.
but last night it came from someone else.
Shin called me at 3am, drunk, and ready to spill her guts.
Shin, the girl who popped back into my life, after eight years, out of nowhere, in the middle of new york city, chinatown, what the fuck....
Shin called, slowly articulating her words....
"Don't worry about me Justin...."
I DO worry about you Shin, you live in manhattan, your boyfriend works at the wtc...you eat lunch with him everyday, I don't know if you were there, nothing, you don't call me, you don't let me know you're okay....
She puases, sighs....and repeats...
"Don't worry about me Justin....why you always worry about me? I don't deserve your friendship, nothing never...."
Oh great, something serious is up...she only gets like this when she's deep in self-loathing and needs me to rescure her, so here goes.
Now, Shin, you know you are the one that picked me up when I was at the bottom, when I didn't know if Chloe was going to move away from Orlando, when I'm sitting in an ice cold Manhattan apartment, hating myself, my life, in deep depression, only you, you...the one who picked me up and didn't judge me, didn't pry about my arm, you were just there for me, I'll never forget it..."
"I'm not a good person, I don't know why you see the good things, nobody else does, and now I deserve all the bad things, I am the bad one now..."
I'm thinking she cheated on Eric, she did something, but I wasn't prepared for what she did do...
"Shin, talk to me you ---"
"This number won't work soon, don't be mad at me, don't hate me..."
"What? What's going on..."
"I did it...and I owe too much money, so I am going to keep doing this for now, I know nobody's going to understand, not even you, and you never turn away from me"
So, it all rushes in, the realization that she gave into her old roommates, her fucked up friends who became escorts, dropped out of school, while Shin didn't she kept going at it, even after her dad stopped sending money...I'm panicky, wondering what I can say or do, to undo this mess...
"You hate me now, don't you opah?"
"No, you know I don't ever hate you, I won't...you're my friend Shin, I'll do anything to make sure you're safe...eric will too, and---"
No, Eric knows now, so he hit me couple of the times...then spit and left"
Fuck me. She's alone, and she's fucking people for money.
We talked till around 5am...almost six...and we played a word game, going back to when we used to date, and just called out words, single words that encapsulated our relationship, from when I Dj'd at her club, to writing, to her seeing me on my very first date with my soon-to-be wife, in Seoul, her crying, outside the Hof, while I held Jeonga's hands, laughing, and smiling, and Shin, who broke up with me, mind you, crying over having lost me. I'm sure Shin was thinking 'What are the odds?' of seeing me there in Seoul, on a date...months after we've broken up, four hours from our homes, in this huge sprawling city, what the fuck are the odds anyways???
Anyways the word game...she'd say something, knowing it would bring up emotions and a mental image..and then I'd return volley:
new years eve
150 dollars a ticket??
waffles at 7a
and we went on...until she paused too long, and I knew what was coming...
"I'm shutting this phone off...I'll call when things are right. I love you Justin."
"Shin, wait....I'm your friend, I'm here for you no matter what, we can work this out, if you need help, or money...anything I can do I'll do.."
"I know, Justin, that's why I'm changing my number....I am so ashamed, I have to do this myself, or I'll never be the old me...never...."
And she said she loved me again, and just like that she was gone.
The whole fucking world is mad.