Stupid Image Host. Archives have broken links.
2001-10-19 - 6:33 p.m.
I wrote about this...to Mindy, after she wrote me a letter, a genuine and sincere one. She outlined that she'd lost the spark somehow, or that it wasn't ever there, rather.
I dont know...I do love her, but I just find it all so hard to accept. I am doing my best..and after I wrote this, I haven't heard from her since.
...For awhile at first, I felt like you did take that "gift" away from me. The intimacy, the love,the physical-- as well as the emotional openness that we shared. It makes me really sad, each time I examine it, when I realize that you are so very different than I am, when it comes to those things.
I think that physical intimacy, those things that I gave to you, lovemaking , kisses, holding you all night, when I could...those things are held back by me now, and I only want the one girl I love to have those things. I can accept that you are not that way. I saw that, when I walked in on you that morning, right or wrong, I saw that, for you, it's not as important to keep those things as sacred as I did, and do.
I saw it when we were together too...how each guy we met was someone you'd given that part of yourself to. How each time, each guy on the wall...everything. I just thought that I was getting so much more. I thought I had your heart and your love, and that *I* had Mindy, all of her, and that having her, was the most amazing gift I could ever recieve.
I thought that what you were giving to me, mirrored what I was giving to you, each day.
I think that it hurts most, when I think about how you began to realize that you didn't have that spark, or whatever, that you knew what you meant to me, and the lengths that I would go through to make you happy, or to at least try.
It hurts to realize that when we were in the hotel that evening, you simply went through the motions. I could never do that. That is one clear difference between us. I would have realized the impact that it would have if I wasn't sure, and I would have saved you that. I would never hurt you in a million years. You were my baby.
I still think of you that way, unfortunately....I still love you as intensely as I did when we were together.
I think of alot of the hurtful things you've said to me not after, but during..and some of the thoughtless things you've said, about previous relationships, and about how I've reminded you, personality wise or emotionally , or whatever.
How you said I should be careful who I fall in love with...things like that...how you couldn't imagine life without me (and her), then told me that's how you felt at the time, but not now, or ever again.
Physical-comparisons...I can forgive, because I was often comparing how you looked and expressed yourself to Skye...and that is something that you knew before we were together, before your emotions could come under consideration by me sharing that information with you.
If I hadn't told you before I held you in my arms, I wouldn't ever have.
I don't blame you for ANYTHING relating to Chloe. I know you did, and do love her tremendously. I am very grateful that you showed my daughter such affection and caring each moment you spent with her at the school, and outside of it. Believe me, when I say that you and others there were instrumental in her development as a person and I am so lucky she had that experience.
I know that you wrote to comfort me, and to tell me how you feel, and what's in your heart. I also know all of the things you told me about me, and what I "have to offer." I know myself. I know what I'm capable of, and how I love. What I don't know is who that's going to be enough for.
I'll find out eventually. And whoever that person is, will be loved like nobody else ever has been.
I wanted that person to be you, but it didn't work out I guess.
I know I am not flawless. I know that who I am is sometimes too intense, or too quirky, or whatever for alot of people. I know that I'm not the easiest guy in the world.
I meant what I said, when I said to you that I have room in my life for you whenever you are ready, or want it. If that's never, so be it. Just know that my love for you is lasting..and it's still very strong. I don't resent you, I'm not that angry at you, just really sad about us, and sad for you too sometimes, Mindy.
Sometimes you have such walls up, such a committment to a certain way of being, that I know isn't the real you...and it's simply that you deserve better and more.
You deserve to be a better you.
You deserve to be loved, and cherished, and held above everything else. You deserve to be sacrificed for, and pined for, and poems written for you...
You deserve to be daydreamed about..ached for. wanted. desired. appreciated. loved.
You deserve to be loved, the way that I loved you.
So do I.
I'll always love you.