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2001-11-09 - 1:17 p.m.

She's three now. I'm pretty excited about it. Each day I find new things about her that are quirky, and fun, and cute, and annoying and loveable, mean and manipulative, caring and all of them endearing.

I've had a year to do this thing, on my own, the mornings, covered in chocolate sauce for her waffles, dealing with the I-want-milk-here's-your-milk-no,daddy-I-want-juice's the pink shoes, glittery and not for school, take them off now, Chloe! Put on your tennis shoes! all of those things that wear me down each day.

Every morning fighting to get her ready,

her breakfast and lunch cooked, mine too sometimes...

her dressed combed showered, ears cleaned, toes cleaned,

tv watched, a book read, me shaved and showered,

clothes ironed,

teeth brushed,

does this match?


let's go tv off, right now, let's go put that down, okay but only one barbie, please, you can --------

--chloe I can't carry you my hands are full, okay wait till we're outside, no I can't carry you right now, please wait, turn off the tv I said, come on, where's your lunch?? Wait daddy needs his book, stay right here, no stay right there,

stay there, I'll be right back, quit crying, don't put those shoes in the dryer please please please---------------

..we're going to be late, comeoncomeoncomeon

the drive to school, listening to the Ataris or Sterolab, or whatever--Lemonheads, until Chloe wants to hear Ben Folds Annie Waits single and she sings most of the words to it, so cute, her face bouncing to the beat, rocking the suburbs, in daddy's bmw, ponytail up, singing with me, so fucking perfect, my day can't get better...'re looking at the dents in my door aren't you?

I mean really, I'm a dad, big fucking deal right? Look. Halloween, she has this party..I'm going to write about it more, but I'm going to say this before I forget:

I was the only dad there. 20 moms, 1 dad. Well, Justin they are at work probably, it's not like they'd miss out on it if they could help it. I took a day without pay to go to her party, and I spent maybe 3 hours there, I even took her by to see her old classmates at her old school, Mindy hard as that was, because I knew it was a fun day for her, dressing up, being treated special, because she was absolutely gorgeous in her hanbok, and she felt like a princess, and I wanted to share that with her.

Everywhere I go, I see so few Dad's and daughters just together. Maybe married, whatever, single, divorced, how fucking hard is it? I do it, and if you know me, you'd know how scattery I am, and how my interests change like the wind, but she's my constant. She's my stable ground.

The bookstore, never.

Reading our at the library...sometimes couples, never just Dad.

The park. NEVER EVER just a dad and his child(ren).

I am cool with getting attention because of her, I'll take it anyway I can get it, that's not what I'm saying...I'm saying


I think about my father, and his distance..the way he'd work at 6am till 6pm everyday, doing plastering, getting cement in every crack and crevice of his body, his nails broken and brittle, covered in cement and blood from sharp and indifferent lathing metal, his back sore, just wanting his beer, bud, to be ready and cold in the fridge, he never had time to get as close to us as he'd liked to have I'm sure, but he NEVER missed a game, baseball, football, soccer, none of it ever, if he was able to accomodate it around work.

When all three of us were playing he'd have to balance it, of course, which was okay by the time I was a teenager, but he was always there for one of us three.

I can't imagine not being there for each of those moments, practices, recitals, first day of school, weekends at the park with a ball, or a kite or whatever.

Just anything, you know?

I want someone with me doing these things as well. Someone to share it all with. I can never be her mom, and I don't expect someone I fall in love with to replace her mother, but I do hope that they will love Chloe and help me guide her, in ways that I can't, what with having a penis and whatnot.

All these pictures that are above..(and below) are from Chloe's third birthday party.

We took her to funland, to ride the ferris wheel, then over to Chuck E Cheese, for pizza sauceless wings and to play in what I affectionately call "Tuberculosis Tubes of Fun and Joy" followed up by a shopping spree at FAO Schwarz!

We bought barbie stuff, and some foam based molding putty goop, and some board games, candyland...chutes and ladders....and a cool little remote controlled car.

I am going to probably spoil her....but oh well. She is pretty quick on the draw with the I-love-you-daddy's, so I can't really be blamed for losing control of my senses, now can I?

Her mom was there..which was great...down from DC, for her birthday. It was tense, her and I, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm just glad that Chloe got to have both of us there for her birthday.

As you can tell from these pictures, she wasn't in the best spirits to be photographed by me.

Or to be near me actually.

Does she look like me at all?

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