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2001-12-05 - 12:32 p.m.

Be silent, heart,

Be patient, humble, hold thy peace.

I am not expecting to pop the question anytime soon to her. Even saying that aloud borders on absurd.

But I do know that I enjoy spending time with her, and when I think about spending time, and energy with someone, she's my first choice.

I haven't yet asked her to meet Chloe, to be a part of her life, to know her, or anything....but she feels pressure by her mere existence. I can't be mad about this. It's neither fair nor rational. She hasn't introduced me, to her family and such, but I have talked to her sister, and one of her close friends and I know that she doesn't see anything wrong or uncomfortable with sharing parts of her life and the people around her with me.

She even intimated that seeing Chloe's room, her things, and the feeling of what it takes to raise her...she said it made things very real.

Even though it hurts a little, I am okay with how she feels about me being divorced and a single dad...and how it affects her and I. I know that I'm still figuring out what to do, what the rules are and how to avoid opening up my life and heart to someone and how that affects my daughter, as well as me. I was hurt too badly by Mindy to not acknowledge that she sees things, and knows when I'm hurt, when I'm sad and why.

I also need to own up to the fact that my feelings and my way of dealing with Kara affected and hurt Kara very deeply. I regret not acting as responsibly as I should have.

I've made the mistake before of wearing Chloe on my sleeve and thrusting her upon someone else, trial by fire, so to speak. That's neither fair nor realistic. If Susan and I ever get to that point, we will have to address the issues directly and openly.

I'm glad I've met Susan. I'm glad she's a part of my life, and I hope that things don't ever go sour. I think she's right when she says we've met for a reason, and I do want to keep her as a friend, at the very least, regardless of where everything else ends up.

If the circumstances dictate that she's not ready for a guy with a daughter, today, that's okay. If it turns out that this just is too much for her, and it's not right for her, then that only means that she's not right for me. For us.

So hopefully we can enjoy each other, learn more about one another, and ourselves, and make some good memories together, as well. I think that sharing Chloe with her would only add to the possibilities, the ways we can get to know what's really important and real in one another.

Daddy's first attempt at being clever with the nail polish

We're going to see Dashboard Confessional saturday with some friends. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to share her with the people who are important to me. I don't see how that can ever be deemed a waste of time, regardless of how it all ends up.

I'm not trying to rush things, not in the least, but I don't want to get hurt again. I don't know if I could deal with it happening just now.

If someone doesn't see how amazing Chloe is, and feels like her in their life isn't right for them....maybe that person isn't right for me.

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215 pounds of boy
dad. married father.
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