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2001-12-12 - 4:58 p.m.

We are setting up our Christmas tree tonight.

Just Chloe and I.

I think she gets it..what we're doing, that it's a special time of the year, or of life, I don't think she gets the whole concept of year, or even measurable calendar time.

I spoke with her mom's sister last night, for a half hour or so. We talked about her sister, my ex-wife, Chloe's mother, and what each of those roles meant, and my responsibility to that person, in each of those roles.

She still thinks of me as her brother-in-law, and I guess right now I still think of her as my sister-in-law. Jeonga always said we were so much alike, her sister and we viewed food and drink, our passions for the written word, and our self-confidence in being able to do anything anything anything.

I have always felt as if we were on the verge of either really getting close as family...or moving apart in a very violent and grand fashion. Fights, with dishes being tossed, things being said you can't take back, the whole works.

Incredible tension when we spent time together.

She loves and misses her niece, my daughter, and has never met her. She talked to her in english and korean, and Chloe laughed and called her Imo, and said she missed her and that she loved her mommy very much. That made Hee Suk (Jeonga's sister) feel good.

She trusts how I'm raising Chloe, but the amount of pain I've caused her and her family by divorcing her sister....I feel very guilty for it. What can I do now though?

What would I do?


I promised her I'd do my best to be supportive of her sister, wherever she ended up, and that I don't understand Korean culture and what marriage means to a korean woman. I admitted as such, and took the blame for letting her and her family down.

I let everyone down, really. Everyone but me. I have to remember that. I was true to myself, for once in my life, I was true to me.

When I went to Skye, in the city....I did the wrong thing, for the right reasons. I loved her the way I want to love someone...wholly and without reason. Blindly, and with white-hot intensity. So fast and so overwhelming that it blew up in our faces, I guess.

I don't know that I miss being with Skye as much as I miss loving her. I miss feeling like I was on the edge of the world and that I would have, and did give up everything I had in the world just to have the remote chance to find perfect and lifelong love.

I didn't think of the consequences, of which there were many. I deal with most of them daily.


Even though we don't talk, can't talk, and that it didn't work out, I know in my heart that going there was the best thing I could have done.

It's like those stupid family circle cartoons where the boy is heading to his room, and goes in the kitchen, grabs some cookies, goes out through the front room over the couch, out the window, around the bird feeder, over the fence to chase a dog, back through a hole in the fence through the back door past the cat, and finally three feet from where he started, into the safety of his bedroom.

I'm back here, because this is where I'm supposed to be. It doesn't mean anything but that.

I just took along time to get to where I was supposed to be.

We are setting up our Christmas tree tonight.

Just Chloe and I.

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