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2002-02-25 - 8:07 p.m.

Aside from all the important things going on in my life, I have this horrible feeling in my stomach that keeps gnawing at me..

I have sat and tried to write about it, but I end up being distracted, or my thoughts become muddled, my clarity fades-- everything but what I want, and that's the words to flow from within me.

I am not going to go through the list of things I find desirable in myself, the things I think a woman would look for in a man. I simply have to hope that enough of those things are there, at least visable on the surface, to make someone want to know me better.

I've tried to show all these things to Susan. I've tried to share things about myself, the good and the bad, in hopes that she sees I'm open to her. I'm hers. I'm not afraid of what she thinks, only afraid of her indifference.

I don't open myself up to everyone in my life. Jeff will tell you that by being my friend, you get used to getting bits and pieces, tails of tales, fragmented, but rarely do you get the big picture. It's a vehicle I use, sub-consciously, to protect myself, and who I am.

I freely admit that I attract drama, so be it. I don't think that makes me dramatic, or anything more than someone who gravitates towards life. Yeah, whatever.

The point is, I am aware of what goes on around me, and have a tendency to engage in activities off the beaten path. Jeff and Karl and I have been watching hockey games the past few weeks, and with the olympics going on, we started talking about playing. I can't skate with the precision required to play the game as a skill position, so I decided that I wanted to play, and become a goalkeeper. Never played a game in my life, but I know myself. I know my obsessiveness with doing things better than the people around me. I know that I will be good at it, when I adjust to the game, the nuances and details.

I know this.

I am this way, about women as well.

If I start to care for someone,if I'm in a relationship... I want that person to have all of me. I don't like to get involved in nowhere relationships, to casually engage in something other than friends but less than's just not something I'm good at. If it's going to be less, then I'd rather just stay friends.

The point of all of this is....that I'm at the point now, where I know that I will fall for her, soon, I'll fall...I just know it and I feel helpless to stop it. I can't even choose to not care for her. It's not who I am. I don't work that way. Maybe I'm broken..who knows?

There simply is nothing I can do, no act, no expression, no way to make her feel that way about me. She doesn't express herself, not just like me, but at all. It's not even that she doesn't care for me, it's that she finds it impossible to show affection through communication.

Me, you can't shut up. I'm quick to tell her how beautiful I find her, how happy I am to have met her, how important she is, and to let her know that each day I find new things about her to love and to appreciate. I'm a big fucking sap, who undoubtedly scares the shit out of her. I have a child, three years old, who I find simply amazing, and can't imagine living life without.

She has only met her once, while she was awake, and avoids mentioning her.

It's crazy that I'm still having a relationship with this girl...woman whatever.

It's just


I can't help it. We have a great time together, we're drawn to one another, and enjoy so much of the same things. We have great chemistry on a physical level, but have never woken up next to one another.

Five and a half months alone in my bed.

I would though, you know? I would let her in, if she wanted in.

Love is madness, it really is.

You have no control, no way of knowing or affecting someone's ability or openness to care for you. You simply offer up your being, and say this is me, I love you, I want you, I need you..and that's that. There's no way of keeping that person's heart, making them SEE you. To give up that control is crazy, and I understand why people avoid it like the plague.

What happens when one day they just decide they don't feel it, no spark, (heard that one before, second verse, same as the first) and it's the worst feeling in the world.

To realize that the needs that someone has simply cannot be met by what you have to offer is a sobering and humbling experience.

I'm just not enough, I'm too much, I'm me. She doesn't want me, need me, or love me, and that's just too fucking bad, isn't it?

What a goddamn crybaby.

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