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2001-09-07 - 1:05 p.m.

Lately someone in my life, or past, has been reading this and my other journal. I haven't figured out who, but it's kept me from talking about something, and today I ate some mussaman curry, which steels my resolve, so here goes. Fuck the police.

I got my blood/bone/etc test results today. Three months coming...

It's still "gone".

Last year around december I found out I had a form of cancer, which normally hits kids in their late to early adolesence, called Ewings Sarcoma. I found it after having arm surgery when I broke my arm in a professional wrestling match in England.

What, doesn't everyone find out they have cancer that way?

I never told anyone but S. Of course by then, she hated me, with reason, I suppose, I left her there to be back in Orlando for Chloe...something she never understood or supported, and dealt with it alone. In her defense she did offer to do some research for me, and never did however.

Eventually, I told Tyler, and Jeff, and even Greg..bits and pieces, never everything.

Well I made it. It's not going to come back, says the spec. Let's hope he's right. He's indian, they're smart right?

I am looking at myself wondering why girls are my fucking kryptonite.

I can do anything.

I can do anything in the world.

I can do it myfuckingself.

I don't need anyone in my life who isn't in it for the long haul. I don't need people to suck up my emotions and my energy, when they aren't willing to do the same. I don't need drama, I don't need-well, I need drama, and excitement, but not this knot I can't get rid of in the pit of my stomach. I want it to fade, and fast.

I have said to a few people in my life....people I've loved and would give anything to, that I can't be happy without them. Well, I can. I will.

I didn't need you, honestly, I needed you to be something you weren't.

Something you'll never be, sadly.

I wish I could say that you will regret losing me, but I know better....the sad fact is, you'll never know just what you lost.

And so it goes...

Lorna asked me to make a list..of what I was looking for in a that perfect someone, that I'd be with forever, so here goes. This is what I need. She's out there, somewhere, and I have NOT met her yet.

She's kind...

sensitive and caring, she isn't afraid to tell me that she's there for me.

She's warm....

inviting and affectionate. She will touch my forehead when I drift off. She will want her happiness to envelope me, embrace me, and keep me as warm inside as I make her.

She's clever..

laughing at my jokes, topping them with ones of her own. She'll laugh when I pretend to smash my face into the door, or trip over the fire hydrant. She's splash me with water after the rain, and make fun of me when I'm goofy.

She's organized...

because I'm not. She'll furrow her brow when she sees the laundry room, and smile and pat

me on the back when I clean the apartment spotless...even little things like lit candles and fresh flowers will make her smile. She won't have to mention them, but she'll make sure the dead flowers don't drop petals all over....which I'll notice, and she'll notice me noticing....

She'll like sunflowers. She'll love them.

She'll love lilies and tulips and wildflowers.

and she will hate cactus. She'll hate cactus for sure.

She'll kiss...

and want to be kissed, and love her lips and ears to be nibbled, and her neck touched and caressed. She'll want me to hold her and there won't be such a thing as too tight, or too close.

She'll eat my cooking...

this girl will love curries, and dumplings, and paella, and noodle dishes, and stews and soups. She'll love my gumbo, and my homemade hot chocolate with ginger and cinnamon.

She will let Chloe walk between us, and be grateful that she's getting two people in her life that will love her everyday more and more.

She's smart...

and when she sees what I read she'll be proud of me, and want to explore bookstores with me, finding something we can both share, reading in bed, laughing and maybe just letting me read to her, her on my back, reading over my shoulder....

she likes chess too, or at least she pretends to be interested when I bitch about how I keep getting burned by obvious petite combinasion tactics that all the goddamn pakistanis keep using against me, and I keep falling for over and over, and she'll just nod and nod and then maybe she'll tickle me to shut me up.

She's social...

she likes meeting people, she likes when WE meet people, and they meet US. She'll love being an us, not someone with a boyfriend. She's proud to walk into a room on my arm.

When I walk in...after her, and she sees me before I see her, she'll just stare at me and love me.

She's got a great ass.

(give me a break, I *am* a guy)

She won't put up with my stupid crap...

This girl will put me in my place when I deserve it, and get on my shit when I need it straightened out...and then when that's done she'll let me get some pride back and take me to bed.

She knows what atari is.

She likes being bundled up on the couch with me, some popcorn and a good movie. least the first half of a good movie.

She doesnt argue with me when I say that Jack Black is the funniest man alive (besides me).

She knows how to say no, but she knows how to scream yes.

She's pretty...she's brilliant and bright and she shines, and she is so, for me, and has eyes for nobody but.

She better not have been hit by a bus already.

Jenne says I look sad in this picture:

By "sad", I think she means "drunk".

This what sad is....

That's Chloe telling Grandma that getting your hair curled is a real drag.

Mom sent me some pictures of Chloe's first trip camping with her grandparents...

Looks more like swimming than camping, but who am I to argue.

In other news, Chloe and I have found our first symbiotic enjoyment point.

She loves Sailor Moon.


Different reasons, but still....

previous - next
this wall has no mortar
35 Years old. 1971.
Taurus. Year of the Pig. Oink
Greying. Dyes, on occasion.
Blue/Green/Grey Eyes.
5'11. Okay, 5'10
215 pounds of boy
dad. married father.
love, big fan of/in
day: sr proj manager
night: pro wrestler (grr)

Tyler Likes Games
Steven Cloud: Luminary
Sleeping Jeff's Portfolio
Chloe's Unfinished Site

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