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2001-09-02 - 6:33 p.m.

you get this one. that's it. you get my heart opened up this one time, to spill it out, then nothing. ever.


Mindy and I talked about her needing to be alone, to need space, and that this relationship we were working on, was something she didn't want right now. She had said that she felt it was something she needed to work through, on her own, and also said that she was going to see a counsellor about her intimacy issues.

She said she wanted me in her life, and couldn't imagine it without Chloe and I. I told her I wanted her so badly, that I would wait..and that I could relate to wanting that time and space, because in my prior relationship, I wanted it too.

So, I decided to keep Chloe in the childcare center, it really is the best one for her, and deal with the fact that my stomach would ball up each day I saw her (mindy) when I dropped off Chloe.

It was pure torture, but I really wanted to be that friend she give her the room that was necessary to find out for herself, and to be ready when she was. It meant that much to me.

Even now she tells me she loves me, and if she hadn't, or it had changed, I could have let know?

Mindy told me friday she'd call me tomorrow...that stuck with me, it struck me as odd, she'd always said she'd call me when she got in...before bed. Pay attention kids, here's where it gets just fucking fabulous.

Anyways, saturday was Chloe's first day of language school..and we're heading to school and we go the opposite direction, and she's throwing a fit, saying "SCHOOLS UDDER WAY"

and "GO SEE MINDY" and crying, so we're downtown near her place and I decide to swing by so Chloe can say hi and we can get on our way to the korean school...

and wham, some cars out front, and the realization that she didn't want me to call or call me the night prior because she had some fucking underhanded business afoot.

I knock on the door, no answer, I go to the side door no answer, I look down, and there's a pair of shoes.

Okay, I should have turned and left, but I didn't. What-the-fuck-ever. I went in, becuase i had to know. I had to see it, and hopefully it would make me see her exactly as she is.

And I did.

Her and her-ex the Michigan guy...laying in bed, asleep...his clothes arranged where I used to put mine, on the folded closet door, ugh i'm getting sick just thinking about it.

I call her a piece of meat, and storm out, knocking her iced tea cup against the wall as I slam and run out.

I stop, get my wits, and go back, wanting to flush this, and get an explaination.

I mean, this is "wanting to be alone?"

This is" I love you but?"

I come back in, apologize to sleeping handsome pro golfer and ask her to talk to me outside, she obliges, and we're out there.

"Who is he?"

Infinite pauses....because she knows I know, how could I not? All her boyfriends' photos are everywhere in her apartment, everywhere, every last one of them, except me of course, nope, no Justin, at least not THIS Justin, anywhere.

Finally, I ask

"Is he someone special to you? If he is, I'll understand more...if he's important to you..."






"so do you love him?"

"fuck no, I've NEVER told him that. I was angry about what happened before in the past and we talked, for hours last night..."

"did you sleep with him? or kiss him, fuck why did you do this? You know I was here...just fuck..."

"NO i didnt! We didn't do ANYTHING, we just talked. We left the group last night early...I'm on my period--you know that--"

"thank god you're on your period!" (sarcasm)

The rest is blurry...I know that some things were said...she told me that I should be more careful who I fall for, well no shit.

She said that she loved Chloe, and I said I was pulling her from childcare for good there, and she said to do whatever I felt was best.just this dull blank look on her face, which had never looked uglier, than that moment, tears running down my face, reaching out to her even then, at that moment, trying to touch her, telling her I loved her, and I'd wait if she just wanted time, just wanted to know, that she was worth it, that I'd go to every corner of the globe, just to make it right, just to get her anything that would make her smile.....nothing. no emotion.

"Do you love me?"

"yes, you know I do, you ask me.."

"tell me then.."

"I love you, I do."

"then why?"

"We aren't together, Justin..."

I said something later to her....when she said that Chloe loves her..and that she loves Chloe...

I told her that the only reason Chloe loves her, is because she doesn't know her.

If she knew her and how she was to me, she'd hate her.

I wish I didn't love her, and that I could hate her.

I don't.

Fucking roach motel heart.

--rebound bed bandage total is at two and climbing.

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